Family Relationship Problems

  • February 12, 2019

One of the most difficult matters to confront when it comes to family relationships is that you don’t have complete control over it. You cannot control another member of your family. You can’t change them and you can’t fix them and you can’t make them be like you. It takes at least two to tango.

Sometimes you can get another member of your family to change but I wouldn’t count on it. Another option is to accept them just the way they are. This can cause resentment, if your needs are not being met by this person or especially if this person steps over your boundaries.

A third option exists and that is to change yourself in a way that solves the problem. In this case, you need to redefine the problem as an internal one instead of an external one. Your solution will then take the form of an expansion of your awareness as you change your beliefs.

When someone upsets you or causes you frustration, they are reflecting back to you a part of yourself that you dislike. I always say that when someone annoys you, you are looking in the mirror. The mirror will reflect a conflict that you have in your own thinking. As long as you look outside your problem for the answer, you will never resolve that external problem. It may become easier to solve when you look inside for a solution.

Your belief system is at the core of the problem. When you harbor one or more beliefs that perpetuate the relationship problem in its present form, it is the actual beliefs that are the real problem, hence the unhealthy relationship.

An example of this is, perhaps you have the belief that family members are always more important to you than any other relationships. I thought that when I was twelve years old. My sister was my best friend and one day she met a new girl in school and didn’t want me around any more. I was hurt and upset and could never understand why she didn’t like me any more. A big cavern had been created because I didn’t understand. To this very day, it was never resolved. Now, I am too grown up to care.

Perhaps family members treat you badly and you put up with it because they are your family. Ask yourself if you would tolerate this behavior if it came from a stranger. Ask yourself what beliefs you hold, that would make you choose to put up with unacceptable behavior from relatives. Are those beliefs really true and are they working for you.

I love my parents and siblings unconditionally but we are not really close. I believe that I was the black sheep and now we live very different lives. I am a flamboyant liberal and they are conservative. That’s just the way it is. We still visit occasionally and talk until midnight.

Our family is important to us when we grow up. That is where we learn the most. Our interactions with them are the classrooms of life. Each and every confrontation we have with them is a lesson that we will take with us when we leave the nest. I’ll actually go so far as to say that the purpose of human relationships may be the expansion of consciousness itself. Through the process of identifying and resolving relationship problems, we’re forced to deal with our internal incongruencies. And as we become more conscious on the inside, our relationships expand towards greater consciousness on the outside.

The Significance Of Family Law

  • February 11, 2019

The ever famous quote, “The only permanent thing in the world is change,” may be over used but it is true. Two people who may be very much in love today and so determined to get married and have a family can never be sure of how they are going to be in a few years time. They may be on very good terms today but they could also be the greatest enemies at some point of their lives. Because of this, family law is very important in today’s society. It may not be able to keep a family intact when their individual differences are tearing them apart but it is can help in giving them a civil and responsible end to the relationship.

Family law covers the legal concerns in a couple’s marriage especially when they find it necessary to divorce. A family lawyer will educate both parties about the consequences of divorce and their responsibilities. Family law covers the legal partition of conjugal properties in a way so that the separating parties do not have to fight over it and have an even more intense misunderstanding.

In case the separating parties have children, family law also gives their children security for their future. It defines to parents their responsibilities, like child support and child custody. It gives them the obligation to perform their responsibilities as parents and not to let their children live in a tormented “broken family” type of situation. It obliges parents to secure their children’s future by still providing for their necessities and other family needs. In case one of the parents decide to marry again, family law also covers prenuptial agreements which gives protection to his or her assets and makes sure that they are rightfully given to the children when the right time comes. It guarantees the security of the children’s future.

Even after divorce, the children should have the right to meet the family that they came from. They deserve to know who their relatives are or who their grandparents are. Family law covers grandparents’ rights, as well. If you have a good family lawyer, despite having gone through a divorce you will be guaranteed that you and your ex-partner are still be able to enjoy a peaceful civil relationship. Your children will not be as deeply affected by your marital fate.

Domestic violent is a common problem. Because of this, family law ensures protection for every member of the family – especially the children. It serves as a shield against emotional and physical abuse. It gives restraining orders to those who threaten you and your children. It gives PFA, or Protection for Abuse, orders to those who are being threatened.

Family law is very significant in protecting families; a wife, a husband and their children can never be certain about what their lives will be like in the future. Whether you have a good family relationship right now or not, it is best to get family law advice to guarantee yourself and your family security for your future.

How To Change Your Destructive Relationship

  • February 10, 2019

All of us whether we are aware of it or not have or have had destructive relationship patterns that we keep repeating. Many of my clients when they first come to me are unaware of their “destructive choice patterns’ and all are surprised when they finally recognize that they’ve done the same things to get the same results.

I am sure, I’ve mentioned this somewhere else, my “destructive choice pattern” despite my education, experience and intense desire to be happy and fulfilled in love, was choosing guys who were in serious emotional, physical of financial problems. I’d sit there listening to how he felt confused, overwhelmed, helpless and victimized and before I knew it, we were in a relationship and this person was accusing me of “smothering” him or treating him like a “stray dog”. If a family member, friend or co-worker pointed out that something was wrong with the relationship, I would quickly become very protective because I believed “no one understood him” like I did. It was hard for me to break away from these relationships because deep inside I was convinced that they would never find someone else who would understand and love them like I did and will end up unloved and alone. Until I figured out why I was always confusing sympathy for love, I always ended up with the same relationship dramas.

Your “destructive choice patterns’ are patterns that have hurt you in the past that should stop you dead in your tracks. This exercise will help you recognize your patterns. I recommend that you do lots of writing because this is a tool that will not only help you recognize your choice patterns but will be very helpful for you later when those old defensive reactions, fears and insecurities crop up in your relationship.

Exercise:

Try to remember at least “six” qualities that were missing from your past relationships that caused conflicts and write down what you NOW want. Make sure you do not use negative statements. For example if your ex cheated on you, rather than saying “I don’t want someone who cheats” write “I want a mate who is monogamous”. Be as specific as possible. If you want someone who is gentle don’t just put gentle, include what gentle means to you.

If you are already in a relationship do not think of what the other person should do or not do, focus on you. You have to face the “truth” about your past that surfaces when you are not focused on someone else. It means looking hard at your life in the PRESENT, both the things you feel good about and what makes you feel uncomfortable or unhappy.

For each of the six statement do the following – start with one statement that you’ve written down and do 1, 2 and 3 and then go on to the next.

1. Read each statement out loud enough for you to hear your own voice. Then ask yourself, where is this coming from? Is it coming from a long ago past (your parents’ relationship, what you experienced as a child, what your peers projected on you by how they treated you etc) or from a recent past (break-up, divorce etc). Allow yourself to feel the pain and the emptiness. You need to face the pain and the emptiness with courage, knowing that they are less powerful than your true self. Feelings, positive and negative, can be the guiding light to our true selves. Do not feel ashamed or embarrassed if you find yourself crying. Tears may just well be the therapy you need. Very often the mere act of acknowledging that you feel a certain way allows you to move gently from being stuck in that state into a more peaceful and pure state.

Some past issues are difficult to deal with. There are very many self-help books, workshops and professionals that can help you. However, avoid books that just go on and on about a particular issue but do not tell you how to move past it. Do not become an “expert” in your particular “problem” – the idea is to MOVE PAST (that is why it is called past) not make it your present or get a doctorate in it. If you decide to or are already seeing a counselor or therapist you should be able to see a change in your life within the third/fourth visit (you are much happier, more relaxed and feel that you are truly leaving your past behind and stepping into the present). If after 5 sessions you don’t see a change, even a slight one, then change your counselor or therapist.

2. Ask yourself what you are doing to recreate your past. Take responsibility for what is happening to you. When you start to be aware of what you are doing to create your experiences, then you are also starting to be aware of what you can do to change future outcomes. This may be hard for most people as we do it on an unconscious level and we are not even consciously aware of what we do. There is a reason why you keep attracting the same kind of men or women (different faces but same dramas). And if you are in a relationship, there is reason why you and your partner keep having the same arguments, the same fights, the same dramas. The other person may have his or her own “issues” but you did not just stumble into this person and relationship, your unconscious radar carefully searched for a partner with specific characteristics. Recognize the “issues” and make a conscious decision to change how you react. This applies to all your relationships (family, friends, co-workers etc).

3. Ask yourself “what have I done to prepare myself for someone who is…say, monogamous, financially responsible, organized, health conscious, fun and interesting, sexually fulfilling, spiritually conscious etc, if that is what you have written down. If you are in a relationship, ask yourself “what am I doing or not doing that I am blaming him or her for not doing for me?

If you struggle with jealousy, find it hard to trust, are controlling or have very low-self esteem, then you need to work on that to attract someone monogamous. If you are too stingy, too relaxed or a bit irresponsible about finances, get some advice and restructure your savings and investment program. If you are overly serious and ‘boring”, then cultivate your playful side to attract someone interesting who will bring more excitement into your life. If you want to find someone with healthy habits, then attend to your own your apartment or house, clean out the closets, fill up fridge with healthier foods and start a fitness regime you can live with. If you desire a spiritual man or woman but your spiritual life is all in your head, do the arduous work of finding a group of like-minded seekers and join them. Your spiritual life grows best in the company of others. If you want more sex in your relationships than you’ve had in the past, then enhance your bedroom skills – find a book, attend a tantra sex seminar, work individually with a sex therapist or intimacy coach etc..

The most important thing to remember is that if you commit to your self-enhancement you will constantly evolve into a better you. And a better you will attract a better partner and create a better relationship. And if you find somebody who is committed to his or her own personal growth, you will have already avoided many of the problems many couples face. If you are in a relationship, not only will your relationships improve but your partner will find him or herself forced to step up to your level of emotional and spiritual development. On a cautionary note, if one partner grows and enhances him/herself and the other partner does not, they will both become uncomfortable in the relationship and eventually become attracted to partners closer to their own space. This applies to romantic relationships as well as close friends .

Whenever you catch yourself reacting to someone or something someone says or does, ask yourself why you feel the way you do. Because you’ve made a conscious decision or intension to centre yourself, your feelings will guide you to where your “discomfort” is coming from. Then make a conscious decision to change the outcome by changing how you react.

Take action NOW. Whatever you dream you can do, begin it. Your dreams are your soul’s desires and have genius, power and magic in them. So begin your dream relationship now…

Family Therapy for Happy Families

  • February 9, 2019

What is family therapy?

Family therapy is a form of psychotherapy that aims at solving family issues through family counseling. In a family therapy treatment multiple or all family members are involved as this technique considers family as one unit. The emphasis is on the members who are directly related to the problem. Issues like marriage, divorce, children-parent relationships, family conflicts, depression, addictions and similar family issues are generally handled by family therapists. The focus of family therapy is on family relationships and family interaction. Instead of pin pointing the cause family therapists work on solving the issue by emphasizing on the strengths of the family unit.

What does a family therapist do?

Family therapy sessions have helped hundreds of families live together happily and peacefully. A family therapist informs the family members about the family as a unit and the importance of each member performing his/her roles effectively. A family therapist helps the family members to resolve conflicts through effective communication minimizing the gaps. Family members are made to realize the significance of family as a unit. Their behaviors are analyzed and if they need to change their conduct they are explained why and how. Family therapy is a very effective technique to create happy families.

To resolve issues family therapists conduct regular sessions after intervals. They ask the family members to do certain activities or behave in a particular way to resolve issues and to attain the objectives of family therapy sessions. Family therapy works best when people involved understand its importance, are convinced, and willing to participate to resolve issues.

In what areas does family therapy help?

Family therapy for parent-child conflict: Parent-child relational problems are very common and can arise due to indifferent attitude of parents or child, bad company, less time for children, disagreement on various issues, etc. Family therapists work towards achieving a better understanding to resolve conflicts. Family therapy can also help family members solve on-going issues in family life, like problems at work, raising children, social relationships and relationships between family members.

Family therapy for Learning Disabilities: Family therapy can treat children with learning disability (USA) or development disability (UK). Learning disability refers to low general intelligence of the person in comparison to others. Family therapy can develop cognitive-social-emotional competencies in young minds and guide children to control their emotions and enhance their performance.

Family therapy for Marital Issues and Divorce: Family therapy can transform relationships gone sour into happy relationship through therapy session for couples. Family therapists educate both members about handling conflicting situations tactfully. They also try to resolve issues that can lead to happy relationship through in-depth discussions and change in attitude. They encourage the couple to make a new start.

Family therapy for Chronic Medical Illness: Family therapy also works well in case a family member is suffering from chronic illnesses like AIDS, which can cause mental trauma to the whole family. Family therapy discussion sessions enable families to handle this difficult situation and help the patient overcome illness with a positive attitude.

Apart from the above listed issues, one can also contact a licensed and qualified family therapist to resolve issues related to family violence, child abuse and incest, death in the family, traumatic incidents, etc.